Titles

Chiara, this is Andy.. this is Mike.. Guys.. this is my... uh...

Titles have always given me a sense of confinement. Well...Thats not true. There was a time when I was in highschool that I LOVED having someone to call my boyfriend.. In fact, the second something started becoming repetative, I wouldn't even ask permission. Whether he liked it or not, he'd become my boyfriend. Somewhere down the line, as I grew older, things got more complicated. Feelings were more complex. Then, the whole "sex" and becoming-in-tune-with-my-sexuality-thing got things even more messed up.

The passed few relationships have been cages. They were filled with guilt trips and expectations. They were packed tight with obligations and boundaries. Yet for as long as I remember, I had ONE mantra about titles. You should never commit under a title, you should only commit over emotions. I think this is the underlyning issue in the high divorce rate. Getting engaged and then getting married is what comes after dating. It just does. There's a certain routine.

When you meet someone you're crazy about and want to spend every waking minute with.. you don't want to see other guys .. why? Because you don't care. Suddenly, every person you were casually dating has faded into oblivion. You choose not to sleep with anyone because the person you're with is the only person your body craves. When love is so pure and so honest, your significant other should TRUST you.. and allow you to have your freedom. They force nothing on you. If you want to spend the day with him, he'd be okay with it. If you want to spend it with your best friends, he'd be just as okay with it. No pressure on any angle.

Knowing I am commiting over nothing but emotion, WHY am I so hesitant to label it?

Somewhere in my past, I lost the excitement of calling someone my own. You know the thrill. As you tightly grasp his hand and have a glowing grin on your face.."Guys, this is my boyfriend.. You know, the one I can't stop talking about!"... The thrill of knowing.. it's the two of you against the world. I know I'm young. I know there are a million things to learn about love.. as well as things to learn about myself. But this is the first time I feel this way. Hungry for someone all of the time.. feeling the safety and stability of an unspoken , unlabeled relationship.

By the way, it's been labeled. You know, for the mere sake of introductions to new friends.

One thing

I used to write about this all of the time. It helped me move forward and progress. It was my guiding light out of a dark room. I stopped.. and so did the light.I was so young. He put me in a cage that I am still gnawing my way out of with eyes shut. I feel a prisoner within myself. Emotions spilling out of me without permission. Triggered by feelings of inadequacy.. or feelings of being used. I was so young when he took it from me. He took the control I had over my own body.. and 7 years later I am still fighting to get it back. A lump in my throat.. it's almost as if I have thought about that night so often, that it has disappeared into a world of oblivion. I don't remember that night. I've thought about it too much. For so long... the skin on my body wasn't my own. For so long... I felt I owed you "my" body. For so long... I have felt the air in the room drain out..for so long.. I have been suffocating. Its the scariest thing to not be familiar with your body.. To have to explain to every lover why I may or may not burst into tears after a night of passionate love making. I have to apologize for leaving. I have to apologize. I can't apologize anymore. Not until I look in the mirror and continue on the path of improvement. It is my goal to take my body back .. the one that was taken from me 7 years ago. I need the air to be passed back to me through a tube. I need to recognize myself in the mirror.. I need to be okay.. and I know I will be okay.. I guess it takes a little longer.. but one day.. I know i'll have myself back.

Never alone with your thoughts

The beauty of writing is that there will always be readers. Whenever you're left chained inside your own mind with an overwhelming amount of conflicting thoughts, you can pick up a pen and write. Each individual life is filled with different experiences and revelations. Everyone can benefit from reading about someone else. No one is more interesting than another, yet all are equally enriching.
If there is one thing I've learned about writing, its that it solidifies each experience into a memory. Imagine being at a concert, watching your favorite band, being with every one of your closest friends and feeling a rush you've never felt before. Imagine never wanting to forget that. Go home, write about the sweat dripping from your body.. describe the exhaustion.. the euphoria. It'll count when you look back in 5 years.
Writing saved me when I was in high school. I went through a terrible break up and didn't really have friends for support. I was left to scrape myself up, alone. At the age of 16, weak and heartbroken, I find peace in the fact I saved myself. It goes to show that even when you think your world has collapsed and nothing can make anything ok.. you truly DO have the strength to survive anything.
Write. Write the good, write the bad. Write about how it feels to fall in love. If you end up heartbroken, it gives you hope to love again. Write about the ugly. Write about everything you're ashamed of being. Seeing it on paper (or in this case, a computer screen) will help you become aware and push you on the path of self improvement.

No one is handed a guidebook to life. You become the person you're going to be by absorbing every experience to the fullest. Admit your mistakes, everyone makes them. Never regret your decisions, you don't control the past. Take hold of your future and share with others things they may never experience. Help them on the path of self discovery.

Never take your mind for granted and always be mindful of its mysteriously beautiful power.